This weeks update

I want to preface this week's update with a few things. First, not every moment or memory of my childhood is of terror. There actually were a lot of good memories and times. Second, I do not believe my stepfather was a monster in anyway. He provided a very comfortable life for us. I believe he had a good heart somewhere in him. He was always helping friends and family out. I do, however, believe, that he had a very dark side to him. Whether it was a product of HIS childhood and/or alcoholism, or more realistically, a combination of both. I do, also believe, that deep down he loved me. I just unfortunately, had the misfortune of being the recipient of his darkness and his anger. I just want to maintain transparency in my feelings about this.

For my route to recovery, I have chosen to use Pete Walkers book Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving. This can be found on Amazon. I also suggest buying, the Workbook for Complex PTSD An Interactive Guide to Pete Walkers book. I am reading and using the workbook in conjunction with Pete Walkers book. I also see a therapist once a week to stay grounded, focused and guided through my recovery. Do I think a therapist is necessary for recovery? In my case, yes, without question. I say this for the simple fact that I still have misguided preconceived notions about my perception of my feelings and emotions. My emotions and feelings have, since childhood been mostly pushed down and ignored. As I grew through my sobriety, more emotions came out, that I did not know how to process or even accept. As I move through the book and follow up podcasts, articles or therapy sessions, I find myself in this same situation. I find a lot of memories and emotions washing over me. Memories that I thought were long gone. However, they were just lurking below the surface waiting to be summoned. Through the process of healing, they come back in a "positive" way or controlled way. Albeit still painful, still emotionally exhaustive at times, they are being dealt with appropriately. But, when they are brought on by an emotional flashback, there is no telling where my head will take me. So that's the process of healing. Deal with them in a constructive manner as opposed to a destructive outburst.

Let me offer a precursor to how I got here. I carry a lot of career stress. I take great personal responsibility in the success of my office and the success and financial wellbeing of the team that does the work and supports me. A great friend and mentor once told me that once you get into my position, I now not only have my family to provide for, I also have the twelve families of my team to provide for. Somewhere around Thanksgiving I was checked into the hospital for borderline kidney failure and a heart attack. This crushed me inside. It kept me in my head with a lot of negative thoughts. So now I had the thoughts that I'm not only losing my job, but now I'm dying as well. Now that I'm in head, lets throw in thoughts that my relationship is on the rocks. Might as well go for the trifecta! It fits because I'm a loser that is not intended to be happy or successful. So in my head I lived. Now let's bring on the depression! The thoughts of disappearing, because as usual, I'm going to be disposed of by my job and by my person. Being disposable has always been something that I've dealt with my whole life. I have always felt like no one ever saw the value of standing beside me while I pick myself. With that being said, I have amazing friends and family that helped brush me off after every stumble, every bruise and every heartache, So the thought of being disposable cannot be completely true. The ones that were not intended to be in my future walked. Never the ones that wanted to witness my comeback. The depression, as deep as and debilitating as it was, was new to me, I have not felt anything even remotely close in my six and half years of sobriety. The negative thoughts, mental and emotional sabotage, have been ever present in my life since I can remember. Thats how I was raised to feel about myself. My belief is that that the stress from career, health and personal life are real and valid, my actions and reactions were not. This unfortunately was not recognized by me until I dove into the book and therapy. Thats when I started to recognize the emotional flashbacks, the self-sabotaging and the self-critic problems that I have been battling my whole life. Thats when the light bulb in my head started to shine brighter than ever before. The realization that these were learned reactions and traits and that they could be unlearned was extremely refreshing. I wasn't hopeless after all. 

Through the book and therapy, I have been introduced to the four F's-Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. All are defense mechanisms of trauma victims. At different moments in different situations, I have fallen under all four categories .As a child I usually chose the freeze option. You can't win a fight against a grown man, so you just shut off your mind and try to survive until it ends. As an adult, I have typically chosen the fight method. Usually with zero thought or taking the time to process the situation or the consequences of my actions. So, this has been my latest struggle. There are a lot of them thrown into a short excerpt of my mental wellbeing. As I said, the depression and emotions of the stress, health and relationship could be normal. But the extent of the depression brought on by emotional flashbacks, my abandonment issues and the reactions are the root cause to all of it. Learning to deal with the root problem by recognizing the triggers is paramount to healthy living. Along with my newfound passion for knowledge and the understanding of the inner workings of my mind, I have changed my diet and daily routine. I have begun to feed my mind, my heart, and body a healthy diet of positive thought, self-love and forgiveness. I have cut caffeine out of my diet, which if you know me, you know that caffeine or stimulants are not needed. I am pretty high strung and fast moving naturally.

Although this post does not cover any great lesson, it does cover where I've been and where I am today. As a result of the reading, the podcasts and therapy, I have regained my confidence and desire to grow. My personality is not one of living a sedentary lifestyle, either physical or mentally. The next post I will focus on my emotional flashbacks. The triggers that cause them to manifest in my mind and how I am trying to cope with them. Sorry if you were reading and expecting some profound epiphany to recovery. I have, however, experienced many small epiphanies to my inner workings, now I am working to piece them all together and learn how they affect my everyday living and thinking. If no one told you today that they love you, I do. Thank you for the time you spent reading this.